Men are from Mars... and Women are Too?

This week Men's Health Magazine published an article titled, "How to Talk Sports with Women Who are Not Interested" and it set off a firestorm. The cyber world went crazy with tweets and blogs about how sexist and short-sighted this article is in its  portrayal that most women care more about the personal story lines in sports more than they do about stats.

There was so much back lash that Men's Health Magazine deleted the article an apologized for writing an article that "suggested women are inferior to men in sports... or in any other way".

While I cannot defend everything in the article (it is no longer available for closer examination anyway), I am dumbfounded at the backlash towards a men's magazine for writing articles directed towards men. It is true that this magazine should not suggest that women are inferior and somehow unable to even understand what is happening on the field of sports and, like any article, it should also not assume all women see the game one way just like it should not assume that all men see the game one way.

But writing an article to address men who love sports and are dating or married to women who do not like sports is not an evil, misogynist, sexist attack. The article said things like, "women see the game differently than men".  When we watch sports my wife hates seeing the agony of defeat on the guys faces because she thinks of them as "somebody's little boy". I see them as the guys who are professionals and who have to deal with the fact they just lost to someone who outplayed them. We have different reactions because "we see the game differently".

The article also said "women need story lines" and "they don't care about stats". It should have said "some women" instead of generalizing but let's be honest, SOME women do care more about the story line than the stats and MANY guys do not care about the story line. Consider the fact that TV ratings for the Olympics show an unusually high amount of female viewers compared to other sporting events. At the same time the Olympic coverage is nearly unwatchable for MANY guys because it wastes so much time on the back story of every athlete. Men don't want the story line, we want the action and we want the results. (Actual stats show 56% of Olympic viewers are female compared to 56% of Super Bowl viewers being Male). 

While it is true that the lines for many traditional gender roles are blurred and equality is more valued than in the past, this does not mean gender differences cease to exist or that we should be afraid of talking about those differences. The point is that it should not be considered an awful thing for Men's Health Magazine to give suggestions for men wanting to talk sports with their female partners. Just as it is not an awful thing when magazines designed for women offer advice for dealing with men.

If we take this outrage to an extreme and get rid of any article talking about differences based on generalizations of the sexes then we must be outraged over ideas that suggest "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and marketers should denounce statistics and advertise products equally instead of catering to typical gender preferences. Film makers should be outraged at the idea that men and women are different so action movies that attract male audiences should feature more talking and character development and love stories that attract larger female audiences should have less talking and more visual, gratuitous action.

The point is when we get so worked up over articles that acknowledge differences between sexes we are ignoring scientific realities of gender and we are confusing the fight for equality with the affirmation of distinctness. So let's all take a deep breath, let's continue to ensure that men and women are given equal opportunities, let's acknowledge that one gender is not superior over the other, and let's be okay with the fact that "equal" does not mean "the same".

Getting Away From Your Kids

Last weekend my wife and I took two nights to get away from the kids to enjoy our hometown of San Diego. Since we don't have family in town it is not always easy to pull off the logistics but when we are able to get our parents to fly down from Seattle we love to get away.

Getting away with your significant other is not only fun for you, it is an important piece of parenting your kids. Taking some time to get away from your kids while you enjoy vacation comes with the added benefit of teaching the following values to your kids:

1) How to treat women (for boys) or how to expect to be treated (for girls).

Our kids need to see how healthy relationships function. They need to see that healthy relationships require intentionality. They need to know that once kids are in the picture the relationship does not go "on hold" for the next twenty years. You may feel guilty or selfish for enjoying life for a weekend without your kids but you are actually not doing your offspring any favors by never leaving their side.  One 2011 study found that healthy relationships between parents directly correlated with healthy relationships between those parents and their kids.

Getting away and investing in your relationship with your wife teaches your boys that they will one day need to keep investing with their spouse. It teaches your girls that they should not settle for a guy who does not want to keep pursuing them. It is no surprise that the behaviors you display in marriage are often the behaviors your kids will repeat in their own marriages so feel free to model a marriage where you take time away from your kids to be with each other. (One day you will be grateful when your own kids ask you to hang out with your grandkids so that they can get a vacation). 

2) You teach your kids they are not the center of the Universe.
Most of the free time (I use the term free-time loosely) as a parent is spent helping kids with homework, watching/ coaching/ teaching recreational activities, helping out at school or church events, or other work related to raising kids. This involvement is important for the development of our kids but if we are not careful we may unintentionally teach our kids that they are the center of the universe.

Some parents actually believe their kids are the center of the universe but a day will come when they discover that this is not the truth. The sooner we help our kids learn that other people have needs, desires, and pleasures that may not directly benefit them the better off they will be.

When we take time to focus on our own relationships as parents, our kids learn that thinking of others is okay and not always getting what we want is okay. In a healthy situation your kids will know you love them and they will learn that loving them does not mean you never take time for yourself. When they learn the importance of allowing others to have needs fulfilled, they learn to be people who are able to naturally think of others and make sacrifices for the good of others. Parenting involves a lot of teaching perspective and getting away is a very practical way for your kids to learn perspective.

3) Extended Family is Important. 
Having your parents or siblings help out with your kids while you get away also helps your kids build relationships with the people who helped shape you. I understand that for some of you this is not possible or even desirable so in those cases your family might include long time friends. For us, we love when our kids get to be with their grandparents and they always like those experiences as well.

My parents dumped me off with the grandparents every summer and would send post cards from places like Hawaii and the Carribbean. I never felt angry or jealous that my parents were enjoying some travel while I enjoyed the beautiful mosquito and humidity infested summers of Minnesota because I was having fun with my cousins and other family members. Your kids will likely afford you the same freedom so go for it.

4) Marriage is fun.
There is no doubt that kids raised in homes with both of their biological parents tend to do better in school, engage in fewer destructive behaviors, become more successful in their careers, and in turn, have healthier marriages of their own and continue the cycle of raising healthy kids.

When we take time to get away with our spouses, we increase the joy we have in our own marriages and we provide happier, healthy environments for our children. They will see the benefits of loving marriages and will be more likely to believe in the institute of marriage and provide the same environment for our future grandchildren.

My wife and I love travel and we love food. When we get away we can do the things we love to do together thus strengthening our bond. Plus we have the added benefit of eating the food we like regardless of what our kids think (even though are kids are also foodies and usually like what we like) and the other added benefit of being able to afford dinner with three fewer mouths to feed.

If you have not taken a weekend or a week away from your kids in a while, look at your calendar and do your kids a favor by doing your marriage a favor. Find a way to get away and teach your kids these valuable lessons. You might also find some other very nice benefits of being in a hotel without wondering if your kids will walk in your room in the middle of the night. (That last one is for you and your spouse to figure out on your own). 

Renaissance Dads

Renaissance: re-nais-sance. n. :a period of new growth or activity.  (French word for "re-birth"). 

Let's face it, being a dad today is different than it was for my dad and his dad. I wouldn't say it is more difficult because the task of being a hero, a role model, a faith instructor, a teacher, a coach, a dicisplinarian, a drill sergeant, a mechanic, a gardener, a punching bag, a sensei, a confidence builder, and a how-to-treat-women instructor has always been a tall task for every man daring to attempt success at Fatherhood.

The difference is the wired and connected world we live in raises the stakes for each task we face as dads. On one hand we have increased access to knowledge so we are better equipped to succeed (Youtube has saved me thousands on car repairs), and on the other hand we are bombarded with the images and stories of dads who are more fit, more stylish, more successful, and who have perfect kids. The connected world has allowed us, or possibly compelled us, to expand our interests and develop in multiple disciplines as we read stories and see images of our peers being loving husbands, involved fathers, gourmet chefs, professional coaches, expert travel agents, community activists, and all-around-perfect people. Filtering through the noise and learning to be the best version of who we are (and not what we see in others) is the most important and perhaps the most difficult thing in this era of information overload.

During the Renaissance of the 15th Century in Europe, mankind was experiencing a "re-birth" of culture as great gains in science and the arts led to another explosion of information. This new access to a range of information led to the existence of the "Renaissance Man". This was a person who acquired knowledge across multiple disciplines rather than simply focusing on one area of expertise.

Fatherhood in the 21st Century is experiencing the same re-birth that occurred in the 15th Century.  We live in a world where the lines of traditional gender roles are blurred and where equality and independence are prized. The new reality compels us to pursue our own interests while at the same time it calls us to look for ways to support our wives and our kids as they pursue the things that make them thrive.

The task of supporting our kids and wives, as well as pursuing our own interests, leads modern dads to a broader range of experiences. A typical week for me often includes coaching baseball, cooking dinner, praying with my boys, being the homework police, fixing something on the car, reading with my boys, surfing with my friends, walking on the beach with my wife, volunteering at the school, working in the yard, and watching "Burn Notice" with my oldest son. All of this does not even mention the routine tasks at home or work. (I know the women out there will say this is what many of them have been doing since time began but this site is about dads so please sustain judgment for the time being.)

This variety in the week is the same for most of my friends experiencing Fatherhood. We are Renaissance Dads who get to, and often are required to, acquire knowledge and experience across disciplines. It is part of the process of loving our wives and our kids and it is often more rewarding than sacrificial.  Being a Renaissance Dad is a challenging and rewarding endeavor but one that real men, modern men, will embrace with fervor.

So welcome to this site about Renaissance Dads. Laugh with us at our failures, find encouragement from our stories, and accept the challenge to be a man and do what it takes to love and support the people in your life that God has blessed you with. Feel free to join the conversation and be a part of the re-birth of Fatherhood.